So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
