Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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