I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
