I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
