my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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