The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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