I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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