I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
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