I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
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