I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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