Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
