i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
