last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Who died my cat blue again?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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