I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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