this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
