Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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