i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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