is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
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