I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
