sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
