i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
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I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
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Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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