Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
