Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
