you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
