If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
