Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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