Can Purell be used as lube?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
