I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just googled if crying burns calories
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Randomize
