2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
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I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
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Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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