I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
