Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
