I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
