Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
