I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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