It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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