I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
There r osticjed everywhere
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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