i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
