Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
