I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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