Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
