We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
