Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
