Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
