1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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