Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
