I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
