My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
