He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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