Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
