Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
