Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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