Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
