I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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