Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
