Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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