I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
