Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
