i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
All I want is dick and wine.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
