You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
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