dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I miss vodka workout Fridays
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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