Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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