I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
