I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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