Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
She announced her abortion via fbk
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
